Reflections on "Mom Guilt"

If you’re a millennial parent, you have surely come across the term “mom guilt”. Note immediately, that there is no such term for dads. The messages we are bombarded with lead us to believe that we always need to be doing more. More than the mom next door. More than our own moms did. More than we are doing right now. So it’s no wonder so many moms feel burnt out, exhausted, and yes… guilty. Not only for not doing enough but for feeling bad about it, too. The guilt compounds at every level, and a big reason many of us feel it might just be because we are told we should.

There are two things I believe about guilt.

1. It is a useless emotion

2. It can be a powerful guide

And while these two things might seem at odds, I think they are both true. A real "yes and" situation. Guilt rears its ugly head both when we need it to, and when we don’t.

You’re exhausted at the end of the day. You need just a few moments of peace. So you set out some toys for your little one to play with independently so you can breathe. Cue the guilt.

If you’re not a millennial parent, you might think it is absolutely absurd to feel guilt in this scenario, and you’re right. What purpose does such guilt serve? Parents should be celebrated for having the wherewithal to rest, not admonished for using the tools available to them. Not to mention, independent play is great for kids. The messages of building sensory bins and making every moment magic tell us a different story of how we “should” be, however. They make us feel morally inferior when we aren’t measuring up. When we mistake our guilt for an indicator of moral rightness, our decision-making gets clouded and we can no longer trust our instincts.

When we mistake our guilt for an indicator of moral rightness, our decision-making gets clouded and we can no longer trust our instincts.

Guilt also acts as part of our moral compass though, which is why this can be so confusing when guilt comes in as an unwelcome visitor. A strong moral compass points us to doing and being what we believe is right. What we believe is right is the beginning of all the schemas of worthiness that are imbedded in us. If we do something that goes against our moral compass, let’s say, stealing from a friend, if our moral compass is operating, we should feel guilty. Guilt in a case like this, aligns us with our values. The feeling arises to say "hey, was that really a choice you feel good about?". When guilt is operating in a useful way, we can answer "no" and re-align to behaving in a way that is values-aligned.

Guilt lurking around every corner…is a recipe for burnout.

Mom guilt doesn’t have to be a part of your story. Sure, we all make mistakes, and we will from time to time feel guilty for the slip-ups we do have. Just because I think guilt is useless, that doesn’t mean it is invalid. It is normal and probably healthy to feel guilty from time to time. Guilt lurking around every corner though, is a recipe for burnout. But when we read our guilt as an indicator of moral failing, when it is actually just a product of the external pressures that are put on us, we hurt ourselves as parents and we in turn aren’t able to give the grace to our village of parents around us.

If we do things differently for our children, maybe they will do things differently, too.

In our individual feelings, there are cues alerting us to the constant societal messages we let pass through our psyches without notice. When this mom guilt arises, and we perceive it as a normal part of the role, we can also step back to recognize the patriarchal system that it is created by. One that puts the archetype of a mother on a pedestal of unattainable perfection. One that intentionally sets us up to fail in order to keep us in line. If we do things differently for our children, maybe they will do things differently, too. The status quo is not about to let that happen. But we can.

Where we scroll frustratedly, looking at the mom influencers who tell us we are not enough, we also feel relief when we see parents doing things our way. Validating that we are doing right by our children. Relieving the guilt by mentioning that we aren’t doing everything wrong. And while that validation feels so good, we don’t need it. We need to look within, ask ourselves what we feel is the right thing to do, and then do. that. thing.

So I, the mother of two who has never been one to simply follow. Someone who was told to sit down and be quiet in class more days than not. Someone who refuses to play by the rules if those rules don’t make sense. Someone who is choosing every day to try to do this differently, I hereby alleviate you of the guilt that doesn’t serve you. I do so without giving you permission to serve mac and cheese or chicken nuggets or to give your child screen time or to actually relax when you’re sick, because you don’t need that permission from me. You need that permission from yourself, and if those things are in alignment with YOUR values, you are capable of granting it, guilt free.